MILWAUKEE, Wis. (WLAX/WEUX) – I wish I could tell you this will be a step-by-step guide to getting the most out of your trip to the zoo. That I spent this trip diligently taking notes and documenting what I was observing in the hopes of writing a quality article about what one can expect from your afternoon.

None of that happened.  

Instead, I took photos of these animals, gave them arbitrary names and debated whether they would be invited to sleep in my bed or not. That is the high-quality, information-driven articles you get from me!

So, join me as I take a trip through the Milwaukee County Zoo!

My wife loves monkeys. (very apparent if you have ever met me in real life) Those beloved primates were number one on our zoo adventure. First up was a Cotton-Top Tamarin that we dubbed Paul. Paul seemed anxious. Paul might be high strung be he is also adorable. Paul would definitely have a spot in my sleep space.

There was Talapoin we named Hawkeye and a De Brazza’s Monkey we named Winchester. Hawkeye looked like the best cuddle friend but Winchester looked like he would have to be convinced. Either way, both received invitations to come snooze with us.

We met a Goeldi’s Monkey that we named Tammy 3. She seemed very judgmental. She stared at everyone staring at her and occasionally would roll her eyes and drop her head down. As though to say, “Really?” We fell in love with her. Tammy 3 would also be invited to sleep with us, however, we are afraid that she would not appreciate our lack of thread count.

Then there were the “Party Animals”. The Japanese Macaques looked like they had a raging party the night before. Very lethargic, very sleepy and one guy kept holding up his paw as though he was asking us to keep it down. We named them Norm, Cliff and Homer and asked them then and there if they wanted to come home with us to take a nap.

We saw a gibbon we named Ben Gibbon the Cutie for Which There is a Death Cab. If you get that joke, we can be friends and we should probably not be let out in public. Especially together. Also, Ben gets the nice pillow.

Next, we saw the “Dreamgirls”. They were all invited into the sleeping room, and I am telling you… they aren’t goin. No, no, no, no way. They declined… in 4-part harmony.

We also saw a peacock family that we named George, Ma’am and Webster. We thought it better to give them their own sleeping space… at the foot of our bed.’We also saw a peacock family that we named George, Ma’am and Webster. We thought it better to give them their own sleeping space… at the foot of our bed.

We met a lioness we named Kathryn… a Prevost Squirrel we named Bootsy Collins… and a Fly River Turtle we named Dwight. They already have their divots in the mattress.

Finally, we fed a giraffe! The zoo had a special exhibit going on that was highlighting its tallest denizens. You paid your dollars, walked up a tall deck, were given some leaves of fresh lettuce and got to feed a real-life, blue-tongued, giraffe. I must admit, this was one of the coolest parts of the trip. Being face-to-face with this magnificent creature left an indelible mark. We named her Dolly. She gets the bed. We sleep on the floor now.

Obviously, that isn’t the entirety of our trip. We saw fish and elephants and a fennec fox and tons of other notable animals that all share a space in our bedroom now.

So, there you have it. A professional’s account of what an afternoon at the zoo can do for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have been called into my boss’ office. Probably to talk about where to put my Pulitzer.